So my doc tells me I should start the SCD diet. Give up sugar he says. Give up starch he says. Give up fried foods he says. Will make me feel better he says. Eat more fruit and vegetables he says.
Let me step back for a moment and introduce myself. I am Jeff. Lover of beer. Lover of all things ice cream, and yes that includes frappes, shakes and possibly even a good parfait if there were chocolate chips or hot fudge on top. Oh, and sweets. You know Snickers, Kit Kat and everything else you get at Halloween.
But, my crown jewel, is all things caffeine. Coffee, espresso, cappuccino, Red Bull, Monster. All delicious. Yum. All right. Back to it......
Are you f****n kidding me!! Oh man I can't do that! Give up McDonald's, donuts, cakes, pasta, muffins, rice! Seriously? Yeah OK doc. You're a quack!
Wait.
What did you say?
I can eat how much bacon?
Well......maybe I'll give it a shot.
And then I went to the grocery store. Turns out I can't eat a damn thing in this place! I'm completely surrounded by all sorts of delicious treats that I would not be able to eat. Ahhhhh! Again- are you f****n kidding me!
So I make a special trip to a hoity toity, all natural food, Birkenstock wearing type of market. The kind of place you're more likely to smell weed in the parking lot and see an impromptu hacky sack circle form. I mean some serious hippy s**t!
So I'm cruising the aisles thinking this won't be too bad. Kale chips? Done. Instead of Lays, Doritos, Funyuns? Please. Kale chips baby!
Edamame pasta instead of the delicious kind that my wife and her mom make?Pffft. Easy!
Some frozen paleo bread that I can just pop out of the freezer any time I want and make myself a delicious bacon, ham and pork sandwich? Done and done! My god how easy is this gonna be?
And then the day of reckoning comes. I take the paleo bread out of the freezer to go with the eggs I just scrambled up. Eggs instead of donuts? I mean it's not like I love donuts (insert eye roll and picture of Homer Simpson).
OK so back to the bread. Eggs cooked, almond butter ready to roll, toast needed a few seconds in the microwave to thaw, pop those suckers in the toaster, slap some almond butter on them, and take a bite.
*munching sounds and a little prayer that this bread won't suck*
The verdict?
Disgusting.
I'm talking I wouldn't feed this s**t to my dogs and I know dogs who eat real life s**t! It was horrible! How do people eat this crap! Oh my God! It smelled horrible too! Maybe it was because I toasted it and released the demons in the process?Swing and a miss.
Oh well. I tried, right? Stepped way out of my comfort zone and tried something new. Awful. I'm ready to step back into my comfort zone!
So, while trying to remain the positive guy I am (insert eyeroll again) I decided 'hey, what if I take out two slices,let them thaw and try again tomorrow.' And aside from almost stabbing myself in the abdomen while trying to separate the slices, I would definitely consider this move a success.
I mean this is some serious 'Win one for the Gipper' type stuff where you're done by six with seconds remaining and pull victory from the clutches of defeat scenario.
And then the next day comes. Dogsh*t! Worse than the day before. I mean there was definitely some trepidation based on yesterday's failure, but this was terrible!
And my lovely wife, who pretty much eats anything, for once in her lifeagreed with me!
That was the final straw. Wait. My daughter tried it and didn't think it was that bad? We'll have to examine that opinion later. She might be out of her mind!
So based on my random stream of consciousness, I am prone to skip around a bit.
With that said, let's continue.
If you're going to jump into the SCD diet you need a plan. Not a fly by the seat of my pants type of plan. A plan.
How will I deal with lunch and dinner, or the random last minute concert invite?
And they say pimpin' ain't easy?!? Hey- try living without Taco Bell and get back to me!
But then I get to thinking.......doc said I should lose about 20 pounds if I'm doing the diet the right way. Hmmmmmm. Let's see. I'm almost 45 and my metabolism is terrible. I could probably stand to drop a few pounds to get ready for bikini season. And to add insult to injury, my wife has no qualms about telling me I need to lose a few pounds.
Me: Hey honey what do you think about this new shirt I bought?
Her: Would look better if you lost a few pounds.
And just like that, my self esteem blown up like one of those clay shooting ducks.
Ahhhhh. Is this a sweet life or what!
To all those 20 somethings out there a 3% body weight. I have some unpleasant news for you. HA! Enjoy it because it won't last!
Trust me I know. I used to be one of you. We'll maybe not 3% but I digress.
I used to be the guy who could practically muster up a crohn's flare on demand and drop a quick 10 pounds. Got a big date coming up? Snap of the fingers and boom! 6 BM's a day and I'm off to the races. The problem was that the shut off valve wasn't always as accommodating.
Captain's starlog dated 29 March 2019:
Ok....so another random entry with many random thoughts!!
So I started to think about my last 24 hours and here's a play-by-play. Man I fell off the truck. Stay tuned...
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